April 23, 2007

• China Blog: Day 240

  10:37 Beijing Time

  Phrase Of The Day: Boke Fanhui – Fen Er!, huo “Weishenme Wo Bu Xihuan Xiawu Cha” (Return Of The Blog – Part Two!, or “Why I Hate Afternoon Tea”)

  Hey all!

  It’s been nigh on a month since the last update, due to the omnipotent Great Firewall thwarting my attempts at communicating with the outside world.

  I’m sick as a dog right now. What with work, two large parties over the weekend and generally being exhausted, I’ve come down with a complete killer of a cold that has laid me up in bed for most of today. I hate being ill in China, but luckily I have my gargantuan DVD collection and laptop to make me feel better, not to mention Fiona’s TLC whenever we chat on the phone

  On Wednesday I hit the nine-month mark. It feels weird to think that I’ve been in China almost a year already. So much has happened to me in the last 35 weeks that I can’t even begin to comprehend what life will be like when I finally go back to the UK. To that end, and with suggestions from many other folk, I’ve made a decision.

  I’m staying in China another year.

  I’ve decided that I’m going to stick around and save for a Masters degree, and right now the best and most cost-effective place for me to do that is in Changchun. Wes and I have started hunting for places to live, but the thing that sucks the most is that I have to leave CCUT For all my complaints, CCUT have been very good to me during my first year here, and I’ll be sad to leave the place behind. Especially my Apartment Of Uber-Awesomeness, and all the friends I’ve made in this neighbourhood. However, for a man on a mission, the money just isn’t good enough to warrant my staying here.

  Instead I’m signing on with English First – a private teaching company offering me a big fat salary to work evenings and weekends, along with shedloads of overtime available. The staff there seem great, and the facilities are impressive, but I can’t help but have a feeling of uneasiness about going to work in the private sector. I almost feel like I’m selling out my own language. I just can’t put my finger on why I’m concerned.

  Speaking of Selling Out, Claudia, Sonny and I were asked to perform a “British Afternoon Tea Ceremony” for a group of wealthy Chinese househunters. One of my biggest rants about other countries is that EVERYBODY assumes the British have this mystical period around four in the afternoon where everbody downs tools, sits down on plastic patio chairs, and drinks Earl Grey from dainty porcelain teacups, pinky out, while discussing cricket and this year’s rhodedendrons.

  NEWSFLASH, FOREIGNERS: WE DON’T. ASIDE FROM THE VERY OLD AND VERY WEALTHY, IT DOES NOT EXIST.

  Back in the 1920′s? Sure. But give your average Chav today a porcelain tea set and cake stand, and it’d be down the pawnbrokers and cashed in for a new pair of tracksuit trousers faster than you can say “One lump or two?” That, or it’d be used to bludgeon you into unconsciousness while the little bugger rifles your pockets and makes off with your wallet.

  Therefore, one of my greatest bugbears while abroad is being asked “Do you have Afternoon Tea?” This question always illicits a rant from me, and so you can imagine my rage when Sonny asked me to stand up and do a presentation about How To Have Afternoon Tea for a bunch of monied Chinese with as much understanding of British culture as I have of the contents of the Dowager Empress Qixi’s undergarment drawer.

  Then he mentioned that I’d get a thousand Quai for twenty minutes work, and…well. Everyone has their price.

  Firstly, three days before the demonstration, Claudia and I were given LESSONS IN HOW TO MAKE AFTERNOON TEA by a Chinese “Professor Of Tea”. This alone had the pair of us rolling about with laughter, as the demonstration was a total joke. Allow me to present Scott And Claudia’s Ten-Step Guide To Making Afternoon Tea:

  *1) Boil water in a bowl on a hot plate.
  *2) Add tea leaves.
  *3) Wait til water bubbles, strain water into jug.
  *4) Put more waterinto bowl, add leaves again. Boil til brown.
  *5) Strain and repeat.
  *6) Put milk into bowl. Stir and heat, do not allow to boil.
  *7) Add tea
  *8) Add condensed milk and honey.
  *9) Pour back into jug, then into teapot.
  *10) Serve

  And so, on the Saturday, armed with such knowledge, we went to the new “European-style” housing development (About as “European-Style” as the Great Wall) where we would empart our unique knowledge of Afternoon Tea. Needless to say it was a day of outrageous clipped BBC accents, pinkie extending, and just generally taking the piss as much as we possibly could.

  I wish I could upload photos but because I’m writing this via Proxy, I cannot As soon as the Great Firewall lets me, I’ll post things up.

  That, or I could just get me a Flickr account…

  The rest of my life is going extremely well. Things between me and Fiona are absolutely great, and every minute I spend with her makes every bad thing about being away from home seem utterly worthwhile. The parents are coming out to China on Sunday, bringing rugby balls, cider, and roleplaying goodies with them, and Thursday sees the inaugural training session of Changchun Rugby Club – Mine, Simon’s, and Maori Fred’s pet project. I’m dying to see the folks, because I’ve missed them like crazy, and the thought of tasting real Zummerzet cider for the first time in almost a year sends me into a euphoric, trance-like state. Bring on Sunday, when they land!

  Anyway, I need my rest to try and recuperate in time for tomorrow.

  Zai Jian, guys!

  • 11:38 am
  • 6 Comments