September 26, 2006

• China Blog: Day 32
  

  21:39 Beijing Time
  

  
  

  Phrase Of The Day: Mai bu zai! (Sellout!)
  
  
  My shame is absolute.

  Being in China has changed me quite a bit already, and in no way more so than I realised for the first time today.

  I have almost become a corporate whore. I regularly shop at Wal-Mart. I
  bought some fries and a sundae at KFC (please note: Still no meat
  products) earlier. And the worst of all?

  My fridge is loaded with Nestle cereal.

  Anyone who knew me back home, especially in my idealistic student days,
  would know that this is HIGHLY unlike me. I pay extra to shop in
  family-run businesses. I wouldn’t touch a fast-food restaurant with a
  40-foot barge pole, and there is no way on EARTH that I would ever
  knowingly condone the purchase of a Nestle product. I see this as a
  personal stand against a global evil. Others, including my parents, see
  this as intellectual snobbery.

  But since I’ve been in China, despite the fact I still feel vile and
  dirty for doing so, I keep going back. Clinging to a shred of
  Westernisation? Brainwashed into becoming part of The System? Or just
  living for convenience?

  Who knows…but I sure don’t like it.

  There is one ray of hope though: I still haven’t eaten at McDonalds.

  Picked up a new digicam for mine and Fiona’s trip to Xi’an on Friday.
  Splurged nearly 2,000 yuan (£180) on the camera and peripherals. Not a
  bad deal, TBH.

  The foul roaches appear to have disappeared from my domicile, at least
  for the time being. I’m going to spray again before I leave for Xi’an,
  and leave the place totally locked up. That’ll learn ‘em!

  Although a few days back, I did have a shock. As I was sat upon my
  porcelain throne, trousers round ankles, contemplating the meaning of
  life as one does during such periods of peace and relaxation, a bloody
  roach scurried across the floor and disappeared into a crack in the
  wall. Hence, upon completion of my pondering, said crack was introduced
  to almost a quarter of a can of roach spray. Such treatment yielded
  four dead roaches in the shower the next morning.

  Pwned.

  I also had yet another lesson with Liu-Laoshi this morning. I found out that the guy is 70 years old!!!

  70!!!! And I guarantee he could still kick most people’s arses! I
  watched him demonstrate Tai Chi Sword Form today
  and….just….just….Wow. That’s all I can say. The man is
  phe-NOMENAL.

  Also, a few days ago I asked you to remind me to tell you about the
  humourous spectacle that is Chinese dating culture. So, without further
  ado,I hereby present to you part 1 of:

  Scott Laoshi’s Guide To Chinese Dating Culture

  Before I begin the guide proper, I must first explain that the subjects
  of this extensive and exhaustive study range between 18 and 22 years
  old. However, due to China’s unique education system, many of the
  subjects are incredibly naive by Western standards, or at least,
  certainly appear that way to us cynical jackanapes who come out here.
  In China, dating only really starts at University, so the
  subjects are mostly unversed in dating lore. This, of course, is one of
  the many sources of curiosity for Westerners interested in
  observing the intrigue that is the Chinese dating culture.

  Basically, I have thus determined three different approaches to dating
  amongst young Chinese adults: The “Shoujo Manga” approach, the “Oh. My.
  God…..HELP!!!” approach, and the “I’m Too Cool For This” approach.
  Over the next few blogs, I shall examine these in excruciating detail
  based on my own observations of student behaviour. These may be added
  to or amended at any time, when I realise that I am actually talking
  out of my behind.

  So, for today’s blog, I shall focus on the “Shoujo Manga” approach to
  the Chinese dating scene. These types of relationship account for approximately 20% of all student relationships I have
  come across so far during my time here. For those non-otaku out there, Shoujo Manga
  is a comic art form, popular in Japan and with post-pubescent American
  high-school girls, typified by slushy, happy-ending romance stories,
  lots of drama, and over-exaggerated facial expressions.

   Bearing this in mind, what characterises a typical Chinese “Shoujo
  Manga” relationship? Well, allow me to present some of the more
  apparent aspects of this oft-visible dating form:

  • Large amounts of plotting by extraneous parties: Friends, co-workers,  female English teachers  *cough*Fiona*cough*
  •  A hideous stop/start, will-they-won’t-they beginning to the relationship.
  • Almost complete and utter inseperation of the two parties- so
    much so, one would be forgiven for imagining that the pair were in fact
    conjoined twins as opposed to a couple of lovebirds
  • The holding of hands at all times, regardless of activity currently being pursued
  • Goggly-eyed, adoring look plastered over the face of the female party.

  Now, these relationships are often very slow to get off the ground, but
  eventually they begin with essentially the same core conversation, that
  goes something like this:
  

  Girl’s friend: “He’s over there with his big group of guy friends! Go!
  Go express your undying love and give him that
  chocolate/mooncake/trinket you gout/bought/made him!”

  Girl: But….He’s with all his friends!

  GF: Go! Now!

  *Girl nervously ambles over. Meanwhile:*

  Boy’s Friend: “Oh, that girl who likes you is coming to bombard you with gifts for the 69th time this week.”
  Boy: “Oh! What should I do? I like her but…”
  Boy’s Friend: Agree to go on a date, and take her to a restaurant!
  Crowd of Friends: *cheer*

  *girl arrives at Crowd Of Boy Friends. Approaches Object Of Desire and nervously begins to speak:*

  G: helloIhopeyoulikethisIgot/bought/madefor you.*offers gift*

  B: O.o…..”uh…Thank you! It is very nice….maybe we can go eat some food sometime?”
  

  G: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *GLOMP* ^_^!!!!!!

  From this point on, there is no turning back. Once the first *glomp* is
  in place, the couple develop a kind of symbiotic relationship, whereby
  parting for more than 12 hours without communication by text message
  sends both parties into a downward spiral, reachin the “terminal
  depression” stage within 72 hours. When in public the couple are incredibly
  affectionate, often going so far as to *gasp* kiss in the street- a
  practice only recently accepted as mainstream in China and still
  frowned upon, and possibly a reason for stoning, in some far-flung
  provinces.

  Shoujo Manga relationships interest me purely due to the naive,
  innocent  nature of both parties involved, who walk around as if
  their sole purpose in life is to never be seperated from their S/O. .
  It’s really very sweet in it’s
  own way, and the sheer innocence of it all is something that has
  long-since disappeared from Western relationships. It’s like you
  imagined having a girlfriend or boyfriend would be when you were about
  fourteen years old- all happiness and light. I say, Fair play to ‘em-
  it’s nice to see couples that have respect for each other for a change.

  End Of Part One

  So there you have it. I’ma going to sign
  off now, and play with my new digital camera before passing out
  sometime around midnight.

  Zai Jian!

  *****EDIT*****

  After some severe criticism, it has come to light that many people
  think that in this entry, I was merely mocking the Chinese dating culture, and after
  re-reading, this may well have been considered the fact. I assure my
  readership this was NOT a base jab at a foreign culture by some jaded
  old cynic unable to see the beauty of an innocent relationship, but merely a
  simple, light-hearted attempt to explain Chinese youth culture to the Western world.
  Therefore, for the first time ever, I have EDITED this blog
  considerably.

  My apologies!

  • 10:32 am
  • 4 Comments