September 22, 2006

• China Blog: Day 28
  

  12:11 Beijing Time
  

  
  

  Phrase Of The Day: Nage BU liangkui!!! (That is NOT cool!!!!)

  I have today learnt the folly of celebrating too early.

  After three glorious roach-free days (Well, live ones, at any rate)
  during today’s sweep-up, I disturbed the BIGGEST (Insert strong
  expletive of choice here, the exact one used at the time suggested the
  roach enjoyed a somewhat Oedipean relationship with it’s female
  parental unit) of a roach I’ve seen yet. I swear to god, the (Insert
  roach’s questionable parentage here) was at LEAST an inch and a half
  long.

  And the worst thing? The damn thing was in my BEDROOM!

  Yes, folks, the inner sanctum has been breached. Tonight I’m sleeping
  in the office again because I’m fumigating the living DAYLIGHTS out of
  this place this afternoon. Of course, Mr. Roach won’t get killed by the
  bug spray. Oh no. He was introduced (several times) to the blunt end of
  my trusty HP Mexican Chilli Sauce bottle, which was thoroughly washed
  afterwards.

  RAAAAAAARGH! Just when I thought I stood victorious!

  ANYWAY.

  Despite the somewhat atrocious start to this week, from Tuesday onward
  life started to get better. The office  wasn’t an option for me to sleep in, having been closed for the
  night, so I swallowed my backpacker’s pride and
  checked in at the nearby four-star hotel. Hey, I was desperate.

  My stay in the hotel was pleasant, if a touch pricey. And I was promised a Western breakfast when I woke up.

  My eyes shone with delight at this. I checked again, to make sure I was
  hearing correctly, and they confirmed that I would, indeed, receive a
  Western breakfast the next day.

  JUBILATION!

  So, as I retired to sleep in the luxuriously comfy bed, my mind was
  filled with visions of fat, succulent little piggies gaily leaping into
  a frying pan and turning into delicious bacon rashers, sizzling merrily
  as they awaited being put into a big, greasy bacon sandwich. When I
  awoke in the morning, no power in the ‘Verse could stop me getting down
  to that restaurant for my fry-up. Maybe I’d even get a croissant and
  orange juice!

  And here, people, my world was shattered.

  My English breakfast conststed of: cake, tofu (so badly spiced I wanted
  to hurl- I’d mistaken it for steak ) and a duck egg, along
  with……A fried egg.

  One solitary egg.

  No bread, no bacon (*sob*)….one egg.

  I almost cried.

  Then I realised the next part of this tragic tale.

  Said fried egg had to be eaten with chopsticks.

  This is when my resolve snapped, and I was reduced to a quivering
  shell of a man, staring feebly at the blasphemous excuse for a meal
  that  represented the death of everything true and good in the
  world. Well, not quite, but I was very disappointed, so I
  trudged back to my room (now suitable for human occupation) and just
  vegged out all day, lamenting my decision to ever actually graduate from University.

  Until, of course, my parcel from home arrived! Photos, a dictionary,
  the latest Bristol Rugby polo shirt….and COMEDIES! Heaven!

  From then on, the week just got better and better for all kinds of
  reasons. Classes, roaches…I even had a new Tai Chi teacher for the
  first time this morning- Liu laoshi (lit: Teacher Liu). The guy is
  awesome- now I know how Daniel-San felt in The Karate Kid. I have my very own Mr. Miyagi! ROCK ON, Brother!

  So yeah….I’m doing good, despite the hotel’s attempts at confusing me
  with misleading information and false promises of greasy pork-based
  goodness, and the foul vermin invading my home still not being completely and utterly not alive.

  Zai Jian, guys!

  War Of The Roaches: Scoresheet

  Casualties (estimated):

  Roaches: 17

  Scott: 0
  Nervous Breakdowns Induced: ALMOST 1

  War Budget Impact:

  1x sugar (3RMB)

  1x Raid (19.95RMB)

  1x Raid Roach Traps (19.95RMB)

  1x Tupperware MegaSet (39RMB)
  1x hotel stay (328 RMB)

  Total: 409.90RMB

  • 12:28 am
  • 4 Comments